5th year

I realise there is so much i do not know. the more i inquire the more i realise that just scratching the surface of this insurmountable pyramid is a slow but sure way to tackling this whole entity of knowledge.

Expectations of the 3rd years have increased after meeting many that are really just bright and burning to learn. But i fear that my expectation become too high, and i communicate too much information, or that i demand too much.

A doctor, english for the latin doctoris which means teacher. And a good teacher has higher expectations of what the students can delvier, but not too high such that the students give up and not spur forwards. Motivation is key, but how do you keep people striving, hungry for more? is it to just keep having passion to deliver experience and knowledge? or is there someway else to keep the light burning, the attention undiverted, in this vast distractable world.

how education impedes creativity

watched a TED talk about just this topic and got me thinking to write it up.

Our current formal education with whichever part of the world has been developed by people at the epitome of acadamia. This has resulted in us modelling the peak of education is that you end up as some professor in the Uni. Little did we realise that the end point is not the same for everyone. What happened to the rest of the professions, be it skilled labourers and also people in the Arts.

Arts have been relegated to a lowly rank in our education since the start of industrialisation to give way to mathematics and science. This has led us to prosper, but also lead to the loss of creativity. We end up wanting to be ahead of others, end up fear failure. Fearing failure is the biggest flaw in the current education. With the fear of failure, there is no room for experimentation, for imagination, for we dare not take the step that is not certain, not definite.

Creativity stems from this willingness to take risks, and to accept failure as a possible outcome and learning through it. Innovation is but a win after the many losses.

So accept the fear of failure, but strive to take risks for innovation, for we cant stay stagnant anymore.

How i worry about Singapore's future

Today i met my 小姑 my dad's youngest sister, she was nice to come visit my place as dad's youngest cousin from Malacca is staying at my place for my cousin's wedding tmr.

She is a teacher in Singapore for the past 4 decades and what i heard instilled fear in me with regards to the prospects of Singapore's future. the problems can be summarised as follows, and can be considered general sweeping statements:

1. children these days are too pampered by their parents: they are no longer 'hungry' for success as parents provide them with cars, money, houses easily. This lack of 'hunger' has led to students not having the right attitude towards teachers
2. teachers of the newer generation no longer maintain the line between students and teachers. a likely cause for the teacher love fiascos, molests. Teachers start having physical contact with students even in conversations.

What this means for the future of Singapore:

1. the pampering and the lack of boundaries leads to lack of motivation. Students used to fear punishment by teachers, and the fear motivated them to study. I am not denying other forms of motivation. But it's so much harder to motivate students other ways.
2. Foreign students that come in are going to or rather already have superseded the locals. It's always the 'hungry' that will fight harder, and with other variables kept the same, the one that fights harder usually gets the prize.

i do not have a solution. But the way things are, if left to carry on. Will lead to the downfall of Singapore. The generation pampered, raised by maids.

Who affects your life, who you live for, and who you have beside you

A consultant mentor of mine mentioned an interesting statement: "In life there are 3 things/people which/whom are most important

1. God
2. Your life partner
3. Your Job

They determine what your life is or will be. And he added on that it is important to select the right partner for it will make or break you." (this are probably not his exact words). As we all know, many say behind a successful man is a woman. And i do agree this to a great extent, other than the tinge of sexism in the statement, well behind a successful woman can also be a man.

I believe that you need a supportive partner to succeed in work, for we only have to hands and 24 hours. The time and place we need our hands are more than 24 hours and more than 2 places at once. And another pair of hands help to save the day. Another pair of hands shares the load, another pair of hands can give u a hug. But well if you choose a wrong partner (was lazy to think of a more politically correct term), you end up ruining each other's life. Life gets miserable as you require more time and effort to appease the other half, to live with your other half and just to live life. It gets tough, and you end up not being able to channel the energy needed to succeed in life.

Success in life has many measures, but well happiness is a good measure. And it's contentment at arriving at your goal (that is set realistically) that brings themost happiness. Another mentor said that a lot of guys in our society have depression because they work for $ and it is never enough.

back to the main point. So i believe we must trust and believe and select carefully to succeed.
and my view point of the 3 points is that Family is the aspect that should replace your life partner. At the end of the day, Mum and Dad are the only pair in the world. you can choose anyother wife, but well family is family. And then comes the family u create with your other half. They are hopefully your support, your cheerleading squad, and the reason you live and work for.

i sure hope we all succeed in life.

Guilt

i have been awfully lazy. we think to ourselves of great excuses of why we have a reason to slack when we actually do not. the reasons include:

1. we have done so much already and deserve some rest (having a 6 day week, had a full day of ENT lectures)
2. we need to rest so that we can work harder later
3. we need to be at our best (after a rest) to study or work hard
4. .....

and then after when we slack we feel the guilt. or at least i do, because the reasons are not substantial enough to cover the lack of work i have accomplished. And then fear and guilt enters the scene.

• fear that we will not become capable enough for the future. especially for a few of us who will have lives at stake in our jobs
• fear that we will not be able to compete in a dog eat dog world
• guilt that time gone is never going to come back
• guilt that you have not lived up to the expectations of the many people suppporting you all the way

life is about pushing on, even when you are weary, resting only when you really need to.
concentrate on 1 thing at a time. it's the key to success: that's what many successful people said, including dad. this is especially so for people like me who totally cant multitask.

5th June 2008

the day i remember how i am not to squander what god and my parents have given me, not to disappoint the people i love.

not to waste my time and not to be just mediocre when i actually can be so much better.

and i remember this thanks to you =)

My world

My world spins around an axis,
and axis called Yew

without Yew, my world stops,
without Yew, my emotions crumble,
without Yew, i cant stand up straight as i used to.

Only Yew can hold my weight, the weight of my contents, my feelings, my thoughts.
With every dawning day, the bond between the axis and the world gets closer.

but when the bond is suddenly lost, the world spins out of control, the world falls;
it falls into a deep endless space.
The world realises he doesnt know which direction to fall to, for the only guidance he had was the axis.
up, down, left, or right?

down he went. and down and down till the feeling was so low. it was terrible.
it was terrible.
the world needs the axis.
My world needs Yew

Tormented

Tormented as can be. he lives his life. always distracted. even in sleep.
he ponders his life. how he got here, and where is he to go from here.

his heart beats. he feels his heart beat.

he stones. though he never did. what has happened to him?

food has taste? the world passes by as he walks through it, almost having a car in his head.
cooking? 'i'd rather try to sleep, i'm tired, really tired,' he says. who the hell enjoys cooking?

a prison a torment

a prison a tormenting cell, i built for myself
a lie of feelings and a hurt so deep
i teared that i hurt you i teared at my guilt, at my conscience, at the fact i did not obey my conscience.
i never lied. but when i did. it was huge, it was bad, it is bad.

so now i am imprisoned by this guilt of not a thing i have done but things i have done.
all against my conscience. all terrible and all tearing me apart.
slumber is but a temporary relief of this torture. if i manage to drift in.

only time can tell, only this space time continuum can tell whether i deserve another chance.
another chance. if only i can have it.
i pray.

untitled but not unloved

i thought i was procrastinating, then i saw this site. and it is perfect.

if you ever forget what love is, have a look, have a listen. Leigh's photography

the pictures she took, are what photography should be, communicating emotions, communicating love. Communicating...

And with this i remember my path down the long road is not all terrible and unloving.

photography, is but a stream of moments u wish to see that slip pass u in an instant.

Cold

It's cold. When there was darkness, no sun to give heat.
When all that is left is but me and cold meat.
I showered in the cold, i shivered as did my breath.
Never so cold outside it burnt me inside.
After a while, the shivers died down, and i realised i was numbed.
So we can be so cold we forget to shiver, so cold we grow numb of it all.
As though the body gave up on itself.

A walk tonight through the lack of light.
So cold, so windy.
To get a knife, yes the blade so cold, back to where it should be.
It cleared my mind, realised it's time to let it go, to let everything flow.
For who are we but a piece of sand, flowing through the universe with his breath.

If i was cold only so you could be warm, i would do it till my breath freezes.

Why do stars fall down from the sky everytime you walk by

So a surprise failed, but well at least it sorta made me laugh after haha. There is no cloud in your sky.

many have asked me about my msn nick, why "unconditional love"? some thought i had love in my life. =) well i wished it were so, but it is actually after the play tha Xin Yi directed: I Hope You Dance, at OCF overseas christian fellowship, Pastor Steven mentioned about the unconditional love God has for us. No i am not christian yet lol. Xinyi ivited many of us to go lah. But the unconditional love hit me, again. I forgot when i first understood what unconditional love was. As he said, a love that you cannot earn and cannot take away, as it is unconditional.

Many feel that this love is never seen for we humans have such strong ego and selfishness. But the epitome of examples of unconditional love in our daily lives is Motherly Love. It is the love that is unconditional. Although the mother barely knows the child that was just born, she gives her whole heart to it, willing to give her life for the child, willing to give it anything, and most importantly not asking for anything in return.

The Love that we see frequently is the conditional one, where you love your bf, gf hoping for something in return, a hug, a gift, sex, whatever. But of course there are times that there are doses of self sacrificing love where u are willing to give your all to him or her, just to make her happy.

Unconditional love is indeed beautiful. And it is a strong motivator for me as i forget how much love there is in the world, and how much that there is still lacking. Love is always present but never enough. For the ugly world devours every bit of love there is. So i am inspired to give the world more love, more life, more happiness. For we are all here for a reason.

Forget My Heart for Yours is still bleeding, more than mine and i am here to make it whole again.

Masquerade! Hide your face, so the world will never find you!

So what do u do, what do you feel, when u see a bouquet of champagne tulips, so beautiful, u want to buy it for a girl, but you realise you have no one to give to.

what do you do when you suddenly realise the night was cold and lonely, and you want to share your warmth with someone and wonder who, when there is no one there for you to.


And the pillows smell of emptiness while you hope to have a familiar fragrance lingering, but u never smelt that fragrance yet. you wonder when will u first see her, when will u first smell her, sense her.

why do you hide your feelings in the masquerade? Is it so hard to let the past be and to let love in?
Hide your heart, so love will never find you.
And the smile you carry everyday, is sad, as i am too.

Any where you go let me go too.
Love me - that's all i ask of you.

p.s. no i am not in love, just that i have an inundation of heartache when hearing my favourite track from Phantom of The Opera: That's All I Ask Of You

Passion, Inspiration

After watching The American President, starring, Michael Douglas, Michael J Fox, Anette Benning. I had a sudden realisation.

Passion, in life, in what you do, in what you think, is omnipresent in life. Inspiration which lifts us up from the depths, to spur us for a moment is temporary, and short lived. We see an inspirational movie, about love, about life, about our aims in life and we get inspired. To do something better for ourselves, to do something better for others. But this inspiration dies after a while, as though we lost steam along the way. I dunno about you, but i frequently see myself lose my way, not able to stay on path to my dreams and goals. I frequently blame distractions, and procrastinations. But i realise this moment that. I lack passion.

We always try to encourage ourselves, with a quote from the Bible, images or gifts that remind us of the aspirations that we have, or others have for us. And we think what it would be to let down these people that have so much hope in us. But, these are not powerful enough, and usually are jsut momentary inspirations for me.

Sudden discovery of passion today has led me to think, how can i keep this alive? Maybe i write it down and read it when i do not feel the fire? But then i realise that, that would just be an inspiration, and that true passion never dies. It is believing in something you want to do. It is something you will want to achieve before you die, the cells, every single in the billions of them has the essence of your passion. And you work to it. You do not make empty promises to yourself anymore. And you live, and be. A single line of thought, not deviated, invariable. For you want it enough to sacrifice it all.

The Feeling

The feeling that i have lesser confidence in myself somehow unlike last year.
The feeling that trouble is brewing among us somewhere i can't see too clear.
The feeling that i can make it somehow.
The feeling that love can come and go so fast you never saw how.

Think I resolve to do better this year. I realise so many people have high expectations of me since i went back. Well i will do my best that's all i can say.

The cycle of birthdays begin again.

The feeling of fear so great that my heart shivers, and yet my face still carries a perpetual smile, and the hand is yet so stable.

Got a new quilt and quilt cover set. Cost me a bit, but Kmart had 30% off! My wardrobe has much left to be desired and my quilt doesnt really maches my bed sheets that i have. booo hoo how smart can i be..

I love my house except for the shower that has almost zilch pressure. I will survive. I am praying that XY, Kel and Becky get electricity soon. They are really suffering...

Always nice to have a person to share everything with

Always nice to have a person to share everything with
Originally uploaded by kerfern.

Well, 2 weeks left to exams, and a week after that to OSCEs, and about a week after, going back home. Yipee! for the last, but glum for the rest.

Well studying has been okays. Okay: a word used to describe the sense that nothing extraordinary has happened, and is well... somewhat normal. This is subjected to people's interpretation. I think i lost myself explaining somewhere.. Have gotten down to studying, but still not as much as i hope for. Wasted the whole of Saturday watching Gundam Seed. haha. 500 GB hard disk, the pinacle of distraction.

Well some say it's just about time to start. FOr those who havent, yes you should. People like Ling, please get a hold of urself, and study. Everything's a facade sometimes, it's alomst impossible to peer into everyones lives. Even if they are close friends.

Always nice... Yes someone to share your ups and downs, it's a good thing or experience to have. And like Weichern's post said, , A Life Without Love is probably a sin. But well all i can say is if u want it, go get it. I probably still am not wanting it enough yet, to sacrifice. Haha, sure sounds selfish, and the irony is you will end up SHARING everything with your other.

Anger

Mr KCYY said that anger should be considered as a motivator with the likes of Fear, Love and desire for comfort. Well anger, ever wondered what is it?

Here is my dissection of anger:

Anger an emotion expressed by many who do not bother to use a facade or mask to maintain composure to be well liked. It is expressed in situations of hurt, or hate. Mostly, it stems from disappointment or disgrace. I will attempt to show you that it is not a base emotion but derives from some of the original 3 i dictate.

Being hurt by someone (emotionally) and disappointment, derives from love of that person, like a parent disappointed that the child is homosexual. Hate, is a complex one, why do we hate people or things? It is a strong dislike, and why do we dislike? The person or object of dislike is something that we may fear causing us harm (like u hate cacti because they poke u), or simply something that does not suit our eye (u hate lime green), where suiting our taste is something that makes us feel comfortable. Then there is hate that derives from love: (you hate people who eat lobsters especially the real red ones because you love sea creatures)

So there you have it, a feeble attempt at explaining anger, and where it comes from.

On a side note, I got some cadaver juice on my lips today, EWWWWWWW, so i got back at the cadaver by dislocating his hip. Thanks Joshua for his help, when most of my group lost hope in dislocating it, even my tutor Aki was more interested in talking to a co-worker, about someone's death. Or maybe she was confident that we will get it done anyway. So maybe orthopedic surgery, well i dunno.

Distraction: a road to self discovery

I get distracted a tat too easily. here's the lists of distractions: bejeweled, msn, anime: naruto, bleach, tv shows: The OC, sleep.

I have decided to actually explore why i get distracted. First, what am i distracted from.

1. Catch up with past 2 weeks stuff
2. Assignment due on 22 Sept
3. Packing my room
4. Filing my stuff: which is now a lot...
5. Backing up my computer

Think there shold be other stuff that are less important. Well now to why?

We have not many motivators in life: Fear, Love, Desire for comfort. Think that sums it up. Fear as someone said 'is the worst motivator for any action or inaction', it is however a powerful one, sure we all feel it the day before exam. Love, the motivator that is even more powerful; fear is a self-protective motivated motivator, while love is a self-sacrificing motivator. To be willing to sacrifice, is to give your all, all your power, not like fear which is just to dodge death or evil consequence.

Then there is the desire for comfort. The theory of why we are doing what we have been doing all our lives, to conform to society, to improve ourselves by studying, working to get food on the table, to get a better life for us, our parents, our future family, is all but a desire of comfort. In the examples listed, there are some actions that have multiple motivators like family support, is both love and the desire for comfort.

The desire for comfort is not necessarily a bad thing: but it stems out a few characteristics that are well-hated, ill-liked; laziness: the desire for short term comfort, so much so that you dont want to do anything that has to move your tendon or neuron; procrastination: putting off prioty stuff just for a moment of lack of work, or for a moment of relaxation.

Distraction: is but a combination of laziness and procrastination, the desire to put away stress by ignoring the already high stacking pile of work. The desire to waste away time and relax, while still having a huge bubble behind that progresses slowly in eating your constant thoughts: that the work is piling up, that escapism is only temporary, that if you carry on, you are going to crash. CRASH! BADLY, maybe even never get to have an active neuron again. death.

So this post is a line i draw on my road. To end this misery of distractions, to stop this childish nonsense, i can almost see depression setting in, maybe i'm bipolar like 2 people told me before. Haha, maybe i'll go mad. But to end off, not in a further form of escapism, but with facing the MUSIC. If only i could play some. Haha. Die! let the desire to escape die! Wahahaha!

Haha, so in the end the need to disarm my DISTRACTIONS is due to fear of failure, and also for a desire for a greater comfort in the future, and for the love of my parents who sent me here, also the fear of disappointment of my parents, and my own disappointment. Fearing fear itself i see..

Gifts

So i received a gift or 2 for no apparent rhyme or reason (no it's not my birthday yet). Which inspired me to write a post about it.

I can't remember a gift i last received from someone other than family. Sounds sad, but yeah i get by. (it's the lack of memory that is sad, not the lack of gifts)

So like i said to someone. There can be only a few reasons why a female friend will give u a gift, not an extraordinary one, but just something simple: the reasons are ranked from most likely to least likely.

• She knows your birthday is around the corner and gives you an early gift, but has not enough money to buy a proper gift, but still wants to show that she appreciated your friendship
• She just wants to see you smile. Cheer someone up everyday. Now that is a nice little girl.
• She actually feels philantrophic, probably inspired from the world's best selling book, or it just came from the heart," hello, this is your heart speaking, give something to someone today and maybe you will be pardoned for what you did yesterday."
• She has a list of things to do before she dies. And 1 of them is to give something to someone you hate to the guts
• She has too much stress from life, e.g. exams, and has decided to give some random friend a gift so that there is some time off life to get to converse with that random friend
• She is in a plot to keep you wondering what the hell is the reason she gave you something. And it will confuse him even more with a megawatt smile.
• She likes you and wants to express it in a form of a gift, but has no monies to buy you a princess cut ring from Lee Hwa Jewellery which is 6000 km away, though the ring probably costs more than the flight.
• Keep your friends close and enemies closer

Disclaimer: The above is a narration of the consequence of simple actions that hits a perceptive mind that incessantly speculates reasons behind actions, compounded by the need to be distracted during stressful times. The consequence is a string of thoughts that are totally illogical and loose linked, a pre-empt to possible thought disorders or paranoia. But i always mean what i say, just that what i say is interpreted differently between me and most people.

It is just so cool to play with people's minds.

Time stands for that moment

Sometimes we need a sudden stillness of time to let us think through, to let that 3 ton lorry crash through your mind to actually let the obvious surface. Like trapping in an elevator...